Because You Probably Don't Know Anything About Anything...
Listen.
It has come to my attention, since returning from assignment in China, that despite all my years of work as a journalist, a lot of people still don't really know much about anything (Yes! Even here at home!). In fact, most people (despite what the doctor may have told their mothers post-partem) are "literally retarded". Now, of course, I don't mean "literally retarded". That would be really insensitive and offensive towards retards. I mean they are "tards"--people that have no goddamn common sense!
So here I am, as an American, a journalist, and a man of God, to set these people straight--whatever cost it may have to my or their reputations. I'm willing to sacrafice their self-esteem, security, and standing in the community and/or workplace to teach them some simple, goddamn, commonsensical, good values and rational ideas! Ideas like: capitalism, democracy, nohomo (not to be confused with homophobia--i'm not scared of anybody!), "a little tan is almost always better", and more...
For example, I'm willing to bet that many of you have read the Bible (or at least the good part) at some point in your lives, but did you know that Jesus has a SECOND testament? It's called the Book of Mormon. I did not know this until I saw a commercial for it on Comedy Central. They even have their own church! (I vow to look into this further.)
At any rate, people, it is my stern resolve, and that of my fellow journalists here at The Freedom Flyer, to bring you the knowledge many of you so crave. After all, knowledge is, indeed, power (which is why we have to keep it classified so often--but, alas, that is the matter of a whole other report). And who knows? Maybe sometime soon, you too will be able to say, "I do know a thing or two, about a thing or two."
--
Tom Thompson
Editor-in-Chief
The Freedom Flyer
It has come to my attention, since returning from assignment in China, that despite all my years of work as a journalist, a lot of people still don't really know much about anything (Yes! Even here at home!). In fact, most people (despite what the doctor may have told their mothers post-partem) are "literally retarded". Now, of course, I don't mean "literally retarded". That would be really insensitive and offensive towards retards. I mean they are "tards"--people that have no goddamn common sense!
So here I am, as an American, a journalist, and a man of God, to set these people straight--whatever cost it may have to my or their reputations. I'm willing to sacrafice their self-esteem, security, and standing in the community and/or workplace to teach them some simple, goddamn, commonsensical, good values and rational ideas! Ideas like: capitalism, democracy, nohomo (not to be confused with homophobia--i'm not scared of anybody!), "a little tan is almost always better", and more...
For example, I'm willing to bet that many of you have read the Bible (or at least the good part) at some point in your lives, but did you know that Jesus has a SECOND testament? It's called the Book of Mormon. I did not know this until I saw a commercial for it on Comedy Central. They even have their own church! (I vow to look into this further.)
At any rate, people, it is my stern resolve, and that of my fellow journalists here at The Freedom Flyer, to bring you the knowledge many of you so crave. After all, knowledge is, indeed, power (which is why we have to keep it classified so often--but, alas, that is the matter of a whole other report). And who knows? Maybe sometime soon, you too will be able to say, "I do know a thing or two, about a thing or two."
--
Tom Thompson
Editor-in-Chief
The Freedom Flyer
posted by Tom Thompson | Thursday, October 12, 2006
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