Who We Should Hate The Most: The British?

Listen.

It's been a long time since the War of 1812. I know. But have you ever really considered the impact these pompous, crooked-toothed, monocle-wearing harriers have had on American history? I have. I think a lot of us can't really relate to how bad it was at the time, so allow me to enlighten you by bringing these events into a modern context:

THE STAMP ACT of 1765*

WHAT HAPPENED: Total bullshit. British Parliament passed the "Stamp Act" as a way to finance the quartering of 10,000 British troops in North America, whose main role was to defend the government against the American colonists. The Stamp Act taxed everyone by requiring all legal documents, permits, commercial contracts, newspapers, pamphlets, and even PLAYING CARDS in the colonies to carry a tax stamp purchased from royal officials.

WHAT IT'D BE LIKE NOW: The Democrats take the House and Senate this year (as if!), and some pseudo-pinko, "Demi-crat" like Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) gets legislation passed saying that every time your grandma wants to play a game of Bridge at the old folks home she has to pay a tax of $100 to the People's Republic of America.

(*Other Intolerable Acts Included:

The Massachusetts Government Act, which altered the Massachusetts charter and restricted town meetings--No more Superbowl parties.

The Administration of Justice Act, which ordered that all British soldiers to be tried be arraigned in Britain, not the colonies--Terrorists are allowed rights supported by a treaty THEY NEVER SIGNED, and are tried on TV's "The People's Court".

The Boston Port Act, which closed the port of Boston until the British had been compensated for the tea lost in the Boston Tea Party (the British never received such a payment)--Port of Miami closed until nothing illegal ever happens there. No more cruises, ever.

The Quartering Act of 1774, which compelled the residents of Boston to house British regulars sent in to control the vicinity--Not only do the Democrats close Guantanamo, but all suspected terrorists now stay at your house.)



THE BOSTON MASSACRE

WHAT HAPPENED: The Boston Massacre is the name commonly given to the cold-blooded murdering of five American civilians by British troops on March 5, 1770. Tensions caused by the excessively heavy military presence in Boston led to brawls between soldiers and civilians, and eventually to British troops shooting their muskets into an innocent, freedom-loving American crowd.

WHAT IT'D BE LIKE NOW: Hillary Rodham Clinton wins the Presidency in 2008 (hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha), and some innocent, freedom-loving Americans are upset because she appoints a liberal Supreme Court Justice, who adamantly supports the Abortion Holocaust, to replace the late, great Hon. Antonin Scalia. The protestors take their fight to the streets of Washington with picket signs, singing "We Will Over Come", and Clinton dispatches the National Guard on them, which then in turn, fires indiscriminately on the crowd.

THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION

WHAT HAPPENED: America fought for its freedom from the evil British Empire, and won! Of course, everyone knows that (if you don't, leave). But did you know that over 50,000 colonists stayed loyal to Great Britain?

WHAT IT'D BE LIKE NOW: Terrorists took down two civilian buildings in New York City, killing approximately 3000 people, and launching us into a world-wide War on Terror, and some Democrats like Hillary Rodham Clinton wanted us to stick our heads in the sand, pull out of a strategic and necessary battle in the war, and allow America to live under constant fear and threat of destruction. But then, a brave coalition of freedom-loving Americans banded together, stayed the course, and defended democracy, freedom, and the American Way against these fascists, keeping America and it's citizens safe to live their every day lives.



THE WAR OF 1812

WHAT HAPPENED: After a series of embargos and treaty violations on the part of the British (and knowing how much better we were), the United States Congress declared war on the United Kingdom. We invaded Canada, then (and some might say still now) a British colony, and they pushed us all the way back to Washington D.C., at which point they burnt our capitol city to the ground. We fought back and restored the status quo, proving to the world that we were at least as "great" as Britain, but then we gave up, and ended up letting them off the hook.

WHAT IT'D BE LIKE NOW: As if we invaded a country in the Middle-East to bring freedom and democracy to its people, ridding it of an awful tyrant, and securing ourselves against attack by weapons of mass destruction, but then decided that the best thing to do would be to cut and run, not finish what we started, and leave a potential cesspool/Petri dish for Radical Pan-Islamist Terrorism. Oh, and obviously, we'd do this because the Democrats in power, led by none other than Hillary Rodham Clinton, thought it'd be a good idea. (And I don't care what she's saying right now--she wants to be President. A Clinton will say anything for power.)

CONCLUSION
So, now that you have an idea of what it must have felt like during those first few decades to be an American under British oppression, you can clearly understand why I continue to be outraged by our near anglophilic policy towards this one time foe. Wake up, America! We need to stop being so soft on these Brits! After all, this isn't France we're dealing with. These folks did a lot more than just surrender early and force us to bail them out (twice). So write your Congressman. Or better yet, next time you come across a Brit, ask them if they’re still sorry. And if they aren’t—make them.

--
Tom Thompson
Editor-in-Chief
The Freedom Flyer

The Freedom Flyer Welcomes U.N. Owen...

Urban Nathaniel Owen is a journalist, novelist, and freedom fighter. He is a frequent contributer to the Wyoming Tribune-Eagle, the Choctaw Plaindealer, and the New York Post. His debut novel, "The Sun Sets in the Left" is set to hit stores August 2007. We are excited to have him on board.

Foley's Folly Not His Fault

Listen.

As many of you, I'm sure, are aware (thanks to the, always willing, liberal news media), former Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) was allegedly caught having "inappropriate" conversations on the "Internet" with a "sixteen year old" Congressional page. Now, obviously, assuming the allegations hold water, such actions are ethically wrong on a variety of levels. First and foremost is the question of the boys age, which, although debatable by some, is, by and large, too tender an age for a young man to be engaged in such a vulgar dialogue. Second, the issue of homosexuality--a barefaced vulgarity in itself. And thirdly, but perhaps most importantly, the violation of the sanctity of Mr. Foley's position as a representative of this great Nation and the State of Florida.

But where would a good man like Mark Foley get such ideas. The answer is simple: from the Democratic Party. Now, I know a lot of you think you know where I'm going with this. Some of you may think I'm referring to the heinous transgressions committed by former President Bill Clinton--cold. Still others may have sought to thwart the obvious by looking still further back to the deviant promiscuities of the Kennedy White House--warmer, but still cold. No, ladies and gentlemen, I am referring to none other than the "great" Democratic reformer, F.D.R.

Franklin "Delano" Roosevelt, who not only committed a disgusting barbarity by marrying his COUSIN, Anna Eleanor Roosevelt (she didn't even have to change her name when they wed), but he was perhaps the great-grandfather of the HOMOSEXUAL MARRAIGE CRUSADE, as well!

It is a fairly well known fact that cousin Eleanor, as she wished to be called (a rebel since day one), was behind closed, closet doors, a full-blown lesbian. So, I have to ask myself, "Why would Roosevelt (the man) want to marry Roosevelt (the lesbo)?" The answer is simple: to infect the healthy, American moral fiber with the insidious idea that not only is marriage a trivial, unholy affair, BUT that morals in general should be cast aside in favor of personal happiness! (Which can be seen as a logical extension of the happy-go-lucky "free money" principles of the New Deal).

To the thinking person, the very insinuation that this poor, polio stricken hero, liberator of the entire World from the impending grasp of Nazi fascism and Japanese imperialism, could some how be the root cause for the degeneration of morality in America today, sounds like near blasphemy. But consider this for a moment: If FDR was such a great man, why did he decide not to pursue ANTI-LYNCHING legislation in order to secure support from members of his own party for his glorious "New Deal"? I'll tell you why. Because the man had no morals, and that is EXACTLY the kind of spineless "flip-flopping" that has been plaguing the Democratic Party, and now America at large, ever since!

So, if you really want to stop men like Mark Foley from preying on the innocent, start asking yourself, "Who is really the victim in all of this?" I think it's Mark Foley. I think it's America. And I really think it's time America got "a new deal".

God Bless Mark Foley. God Bless America.

--
Tom Thompson
Editor-in-Chief
The Freedom Flyer

Because You Probably Don't Know Anything About Anything...

Listen.

It has come to my attention, since returning from assignment in China, that despite all my years of work as a journalist, a lot of people still don't really know much about anything (Yes! Even here at home!). In fact, most people (despite what the doctor may have told their mothers post-partem) are "literally retarded". Now, of course, I don't mean "literally retarded". That would be really insensitive and offensive towards retards. I mean they are "tards"--people that have no goddamn common sense!

So here I am, as an American, a journalist, and a man of God, to set these people straight--whatever cost it may have to my or their reputations. I'm willing to sacrafice their self-esteem, security, and standing in the community and/or workplace to teach them some simple, goddamn, commonsensical, good values and rational ideas! Ideas like: capitalism, democracy, nohomo (not to be confused with homophobia--i'm not scared of anybody!), "a little tan is almost always better", and more...

For example, I'm willing to bet that many of you have read the Bible (or at least the good part) at some point in your lives, but did you know that Jesus has a SECOND testament? It's called the Book of Mormon. I did not know this until I saw a commercial for it on Comedy Central. They even have their own church! (I vow to look into this further.)

At any rate, people, it is my stern resolve, and that of my fellow journalists here at The Freedom Flyer, to bring you the knowledge many of you so crave. After all, knowledge is, indeed, power (which is why we have to keep it classified so often--but, alas, that is the matter of a whole other report). And who knows? Maybe sometime soon, you too will be able to say, "I do know a thing or two, about a thing or two."

--
Tom Thompson
Editor-in-Chief
The Freedom Flyer